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Vagueness
July 29, 2003, 6:25 p.m. I spent all of today in my pyjamas, doing nothing at all. I called in sick to work. I just couldn’t face it. I’ve got a doctor’s appointment for tomorrow. This morning, I woke up, and I was okay for ten seconds before I remembered, and then I started shaking and shivering. I’ve hardly eaten at all today, but at least I haven’t thrown up. I’m probably going to lose him, and it’s fucking awful. I’m okay as long as I don’t think about it, but I don’t have the strength to think about anything else so I just spend my time mindlessly. I could handle it if he didn’t love me anymore, there’s nothing I can do about that, but this . . . this is a hurdle, but it doesn’t have to be the end. I can’t stand the thought that if it is the end, it’s completely and utterly my fault. I’ll spend months obsessing over what ifs and if onlys. I feel shallow that this is my main concern, considering what he’s going through, but if he won’t talk to me, if he says nothing but that he wants time, then there’s nothing I can do. I want some way for it to go back to the way it was before Sunday night. But it won’t. Even if, by some miracle of miracles, we do last this, things will be different. I hate how sudden this is. I hate how I spent all of yesterday feeling better, like I could handle, like I could deal, only to have the world yanked out from beneath me once again. This probably doesn’t make any sense to any of you, and probably never will. Oh well.
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