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The Anti-Wanker
August 14, 2003, 10:57 p.m. The Wanker has an Anti-Wanker! Suddenly, today, this guy turned up in our class who had the guts to say, very reasonably, very cogently, “No, I think you’re mistaken on that.” He’s a welcome relief, I must say. I had a bit of a breakdown today. I’m guessing this will happen for a little while yet. I still love him. I’m glad, so very glad, that we didn’t end up having sex. This wouldn’t have happened had we done – things would have been different. But this has just shown how quickly his love can evaporate. I couldn’t bear it if I’d had sex with someone who didn’t love me. I don’t think he did. Or, if he did, it was too frail . . . far too frail. This was an awful thing, and I understand the pain and hurt and the fear – but the fact that he didn’t even try to work things out . . . A very difficult thing to cope with is the loss of the person to whom I went with my problems (and sometimes I think I’ve lost the person I dated – he doesn’t seem the same – has he changed or did I just not know him?). I used to go to him with them before we were dating, and we’re supposed to be friends now . . . but I get the feeling he wouldn’t talk to me, that if I tried to talk to him he’d feel too uncomfortable. Who do I go to now? Who do I share my life with? My friends are still there, but I want that special someone – as my mother says, “Liadlaith likes having a special friend.” I will never get back the sweetness of my relationship with Elf-boy. The way the physical side progressed . . . it was . . . any word I can think of sounds so cliché. But we moved forward together, it felt. We both learnt to trust one another. I just want to move on.
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