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Elf-Boy's My Bitch (I Wish)
August 18, 2003, 10:48 p.m. I went to the Blue Mountains yesterday, to visit one of my favourite authors, Catherine Jinks. Her Pagan’s Crusade series is the reason why I’m doing medieval history. I came back all itching to start writing again, start working on my Rapunzel story again – but then I looked at all the reading and work I have to do for uni, and sadly put it on the back-burner. But she did, inadvertently, give me an idea for an English thesis (historical novel, anyone?) which is something I actually have to start thinking about, at some point . . . in the future . . . later . . . don’t wanna grow up. Coffee today, with the Elf-boy in attendance. Oh please let me be getting over him . . . I didn’t start crying on the way home this time, but then I was with a Eledhwen and Melodrama – I’m okay as long as you don’t leave me alone with my thoughts. I think (I hope) I’m just lonely now, and want a boy, any boy, not specifically him. Ah, I’m deluding myself . . . but it’s part of the getting-over-him process, I’ve done it a thousand times. Unfortunately, each time I end up feeling contempt for the ex-object of my affection, so a part of me is loath to give up on him . . . I don’t want to despise him. I miss having a boy. I miss the physical affection, living with the knowledge that someone loves you, I miss the act of loving someone, and I miss the intimacy and the bond. I want someone to hold, to love. I feel, and this is going to sound melodramatic, like one of my functions is the capacity to love someone, and it’s not being used, so I feel like a part of me is going to waste. I can do my uni work, see my friends, work on my Rapunzel gesamtkunstwerk, but that doesn’t cover the voided part of my life, the part of me that’s just not doing what it was made to do. Ah, bloody hell, I still want him. It still says “ELF-BOY’S MY BITCH” in Dymo-tape on my door, I still have an SMS from him, telling me I rock, saved on my phone. Everyone says, while he may not be a dickhead as far as personality goes, he was a dickhead for breaking up with me, but you know if he called and wanted me to take him back I’d say yes. Idiot. I’m hopeless ; )
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