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Because You Delight in Sacrifice
October 02, 2003, 8:05 p.m. I spent the entirety of today working on a diary reviews site. Silly, silly girl. I should have been working on my history essay, but nooooo, I thought it would be better to waste my time looking for Wild West type fonts. You’ll understand that when you see the site. Which I won’t link to just yet, it’s locked cause we’re not open yet. Cause if we were open, I’d waste even more time doing reviews and fiddling and signing up for listings and diary rings and not doing my work. Which I should be doing. Seriously. I am such a procrastinator. My father bought another DVD player today. The Brat and I are so shitty at him. He makes out like he was doing it for us, but we told him specifically that we didn’t want it. He just wants another toy to play with. I could think of better things we could do with that money. I stayed up until god knows when last night, watching the Timothy Dalton version of Jane Eyre. Man, I first saw that when I was about 13, just after having read the book. I was so in love with that story then. It’s disturbing watching it – I can see the progenitor of all my relationship dysfunctions. Like the whole reforming your partner thing: Mr. Rochester’s sitting there, all gloomy, talking cryptically about his being set on the wrong tack at the age of one and twenty, and Jane, just like I myself have done a thousand times, is urging him to repent, reform, not to give up hope. I wanted to run out of the room screaming at that point. All my romantic fantasy seem to stem from these types of stories. Mr. Darcy in Pride and Prejudice: reformed and encouraged to be more gregarious by Lizzy. Beast in Beauty and the Beast (the Disney version): reformed and literally made human again by Belle. These are my romantic ideals. It’s so scary. I just want to throw up at the thought of ‘saving’ some guy now, but I know that I’ll probably end up doing it. Saving some guy, that is, not throwing up. Unless I cut myself off completely from emotional contact, and I don’t think I could ever manage to do that. I give too much. When I went out to see 28 Days Later, I went out with, among other people, a girl I work with, who’s listened to me bitch about all my troubles with Elf-boy, pre- and post-break-up. She asked me if I thought that, now I was over Elf-boy (which I am, by the way. Sorry to not tell you, but I wasn’t sure if it was real), was I ready to date someone else. I honestly don’t know. I think I’m a little scared. I think I gave way too much in my relationship with Elf-boy, it was always my making allowances for him. I don’t want that to happen again, and I’m scared it will; but I’m also scared that I’m so scared that I’ll pass up on opportunities to get into a relationship again, and be alone for the rest of my life. Or I could just be over-dramatising : )
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