|
|
Anger and Regrets
October 18, 2003, 9:35 p.m. I’m not wallowing. I’m not. I’m angry. I’m angry at myself, for letting the time to be angry slip by. When the Elf-boy dumped me, I was too hell-bent on being the perfect ex-girlfriend, too busy trying to convert our relationship back into a friendship, to allow myself to be angry and thereby push him away. I was desperate to keep him in my life. I still want him in my life, but I wish I’d yelled at him. I wish I’d screamed at him and insulted him. Because really, he deserved it. But not now. Now it’s too late, and the time has passed, and I can’t get angry at him. But it just shits me so much – the way he just closed himself off from me the moment things got rough. He went and talked to anyone and everyone but me about our problems. He told me he loved me. We’d had a thousand conversations on our differing understanding of the word ‘love’, so when he said that I thought he meant he loved me the way I loved him. I even thought I’d clarified that. He disagrees now. That doesn’t change the fact that I trusted him, I trusted him to not run away when things were difficult. But he did. And that makes me so mad. I’m mad at myself, too. Why did I just let him say, okay, we’re over? Why didn’t I yell and kick and scream and fight for our relationship? Why didn’t I make him see that this was a mistake? An over-reaction? Even if I couldn’t have succeeded, why didn’t I try?! He says he doesn’t regret going out with me, which is comforting, but what hurts is that he also doesn’t regret that we broke up. If he did, he would have tried harder to stop it happening. I regret everything about our break up.
|