Ten Tips for Procrastinating an Essay
November 16, 2003, 7:05 p.m.
Why, why, why do I do this? It’s due in TOMORROW and I still need to study for and write it!
Practice your supermodel walk – must include much swivelly-hipped, pointy-toed, “I have a figure you could define perfection by” steely-eyed glaring action.
Search for reports of the Taiwanese cat-dog (as seen here) hoax. Are unable to find any, so continue to waste time by looking at all the other hoax-email reports.
Read all of Ramona’s diary, which started two years ago.
Carry out a guestbook war over the merits of Sinny Yooni, citing said university’s architecture as its main selling point.
Go grocery shopping with your mother, filling up the trolley with lots of chocolate and caffeine based products – “supplies” for the long haul of essay writing ahead.
Check your comics at six-thirty. Curse the international date line, which means that it’s still too early for November the 16th’s comic to be up at Boy Meets Boy.
Check your diaries. Curse lazy diarists for not updating and providing you with procrastination fodder.
Update your Christmas list – the thirty-seventh rewrite in two days. It’s now roughly the same length as the unabridged OED.
Have a small tussle with your father over your essay writing techniques: “Excuse me, but I’m the person pulling in Ds and HDs – I don’t think there’s anything wrong with the way I write essays. When was the last time you wrote an essay?!”
Update your diary with a list of pointless things to do while avoiding writing an essay on Schopenhauer.
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