Don't Know Much, Do You?
January 31, 2004, 10:33 p.m.

You know what I realised today? I’m happy. Seriously. I’m happy with my job, I’m happy with my writing, I’m happy with my social life. It’s all going swell.

And I’m considering jeopardising all that by getting in contact with the Elf-boy again.

Why? I don’t know. Well, okay, I have a fair idea. I miss having male friends. I have absolutely none. I had more male friends when I went to high school, and that was single-sex. Plus, we were friends once. I’d like to think that it could be salvaged.

However, there are three problems to this desire of mine.

a) How do I know he even wants to speak to me again? We didn’t exactly part on the best of terms.

b) How do I even know I want to salvage it? Our relationship was rather . . . dull, before we stopped speaking. Perhaps we really did have nothing in common except our mutual attraction, and now that’s gone . . .

c) How do I know I could handle him being in a relationship with someone else? And if I can’t, how does that bode for simply having a friendship with him?

Also, there’s a niggling doubt in the back of my mind that I just want to speak to him again in some deranged plan to get him back. Or just make him regret, that’s also possible. I hope not. I don’t think so. I doubt I could ever feel that way about him again – but therein lies another problem. Am I still too angry/hurt to even be friendly with him?

I don’t know. I just don’t know. I don’t know my motivations for wanting to speak to him again, or have any real idea of how it would turn out. Perhaps I should just leave well enough alone.

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