Hysterical Inaccuracies
February 23, 2004, 9:02 p.m.
What, I say, what, is Tolkien’s thing with motherless children? I mean seriously, half the characters in Lord of the Rings have either had their mother die or uproot on them, or have had both their parents die, only to have a father figure step in. Let’s review facts, shall we?
Frodo – both parents dead, father figure: Bilbo.
Arwen – Celebrian traumatised, sails West.
Elladan – Celebrian traumatised, sails West.
Elrohir – Celebrian traumatised, sails West.
Aragorn – both parents dead, father figure: Elrond.
Legolas – I have no idea what happened to his mother, all we ever hear about is Thranduil.
Gimli – As with Legolas, all we hear about is his father, Gloin.
Boromir – Finduilas dead.
Faramir – Finduilas dead.
Eowyn – both parents dead, father figure: Theoden.
Eomer – both parents dead, father figure: Theoden.
Theodred – Elfhild dead.
Hmm . . . well, it’s unsurprising that this pattern was repeated in Tolkien’s own life – both his parents died, but he got a father figure in the priest who took him in. Perhaps Tolkien’s own motherless upbringing is the reason why there are no living female characters in The Hobbit?
Completely different change of tack, here is A Brief Timeline of British History my sister wrote for her Get Crazy Pocket Guide to the Old Dart. I decided to put it here cause I thought it was funny, and wanted to share:
55 B.C. : Julius Caesar invades, then leaves without staying for breakfast (the bastard).
61 A.D. : Boudica, the scorned woman, leads a revolt against the Romans. Gets herself killed for her troubles.
800-900 A.D. approx : Vikings invade, with much gnashing of teeth and horned helmets. Introduce German influences to local peoples, including a love of bratwurst and the word ‘fokken’.
1066 A.D. : William the Conqueror lives up to his name and conquerors with his band of merry Normans. Sucks to the Angles, Jutes and Saxons. A lot of chicks weave the Bayeux tapestry.
1215 A.D. : A whole lot of Lords and Earls and Barons get uppity and write the Magna Carta, saying all this shit about their rights and crap, and force King John to sign it.
Early 16th century : People get sour grapes about the Catholic church and break off to form their own little exclusive clubs. Lutherans, Calvinists, and Protestants are all invented.
1508-1547 : In a desperate attempt to validate his own standing as a virile specimen of manhood, King Henry VIII marries and then ditches 6 wives in succession. How pathetic.
Late 16th Century : Shakespeare runs rampant, writing plays and sonnets all over the place, thus ensuring the misery of English students for centuries to come.
18th Century : Expand their rapidly growing empire, pillaging and generally exploiting native peoples of India, Africa, plus other strangely-named places like the Sandwich Islands and the Cocos islands.
1788 : A bunch of scurvy-ridden English criminals run aground on the big old rock of Australia. They steal the land from the natives, then fail to utilise it effectively for the next 150 years. During that period they also manage to invent Vegemite and the Victa lawnmower.
19th Century : Industrial revolution. A whole lot of urchins with sooty feet flood the cobblestones, screeching, “Shine ya shoes, guv’na,” and “I’ll go down the mines for two bob!”. Charles Dickens rubs his hands together with glee.
1837 – 1901 : Queen Victoria’s reign encourages people to stop talking about sex and wear more black clothes. England is generally bored out of its skull and eagerly awaits World War I.
1914-1918 : World War 1 almost bankrupts England but it is worse for the Frenchies, which makes them feel a little better.
1939-1945 : Those darned Germans just don’t learn their lesson after the first time and have to get another beating from the Americans before they finally accept that not everybody wants to eat bratwurst and sauerkraut 24/7.
1945 – Present : England steadily loses most of its territory until all that’s left is a couple of Caribbean islands and the queen’s ugly mug on a few coins.
1980s : Margaret Thatcher is a bitch to everybody and almost gets what’s coming to her when the IRA nearly blow her up.
1990s : Britpop is England’s only contribution on a global scale.
What's up with Orthodox Easter? Why is it being celebrated at the same time as Roman Catholic Easter this year (or so I've been told)?
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