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Hello Again
November 11, 2004, 1:36 p.m. Last night I crashed at about ten (I can’t remember the last time I had a good eight hours of uninterrupted sleep; but now all my essays are handed in, the sleeping can begin again!) and woke up suddenly at midnight. I felt awful: guilty and sad. Last Friday was Andrea’s funeral, and I hadn’t been able to go because I was writing an essay (that was already late). I got this huge wash of guilt that I hadn’t gone, that I’d placed my academic “success” over paying my last respects to her, to a girl who would never have the chance to go to university ever again. Although Drea wasn’t really the type for uni. I felt sad because I’d missed my opportunity to say goodbye. I wasn’t close to Drea, not really. She was a workmate, and we got along well, but I never really saw her outside of work. I feel a bit like a charlatan, for crying over her. I keep thinking really morbid things, like what went through her head as the car hit her – did she realise what was going on? Did she realise she was probably going to die? Was she in pain? So I had a cry, and I felt better. This makes three times I’ve cried over her. When I first found out, and then a day or so later while reading a short story about the reactions to a loved one’s death. I’ve cried over deaths in literature and movies before, but never quite like that. I think I can say I’ve really experienced catharsis now. Anyway, not the most cheerful note upon which to begin things again, but it shall suffice. I think I’ll make a new layout soon – new clothes for a new epoch.
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